Holy Shit, these jokes on SGC are awesome man. XD
Warning, all RA jokes..
A man visits his doctor.
"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of
patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But
two weeks after the operation, he came back.
other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was
very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc,
and the patient had to agree to the operation.
to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My
gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has
to go.
Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really
want to die?", asked the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is
very angry.
So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"
------------------------------As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"
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A 75-year old man went to his doctor`s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor`s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it`s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with Her right hand, but nothing. Then Her left, but nothing. She even tried with Her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing.
Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and Her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?"
The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn`t get the damn jar open!"
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A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex education to her class. She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!"
And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?"
And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
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A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, "I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe."
The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies "But I don't have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it's urgent! I'll do anything to get a message to her."
The clerk replies "Anything?"
"Yes... ANYTHING!" replies the blonde.
He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants."
She does. "Take it out", says the clerk."
She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says "Well... go ahead and do it..."
She brings her lips close to it and shouts "Hello?... Mom?"
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself,
That he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of
her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time
to go home and wants to
Find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at
the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts
right back,
"Any time you're ready, Father of Four."
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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"
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A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" She asked. He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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A man goes to a doctor and says " What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!" The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says " your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?" The man says " Yeah but he fingered me first!"
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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have been a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either."
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Hope they tickles. XD
